Rand zombies, or “Randies,” are growing in number but
they move slowly and are extremely uncoordinated. Reports of dropping numbers
in Tea Party rally attendance is a reflection more of the latter than the
former trait. This lack of coordination and focus can lead an entire group of
Randies to spontaneously dissolved at the mere mention of something as innocent
as “I wonder what’s on the History channel?” This should not however lead
anyone to believe that Randies are not dangerous. Such a false sense of
security can have a Randie feeding on your brains as quickly as you can say
objectivist epistemology.
There is no proof of how the original infection occurred
but theories abound. One popular guess is that it happened as a result of an
aneurism Rand had while simultaneously smoking a cigarette, having sex with Cecil B. DeMille, and quoting
Nietzsch on the observation deck of the Empire State Building.
Because the origin of the disease is unknown, treatment,
if possible at all, is equally confounding. However, there are cursory reports
of some success in dealing with Randies to make them less self-centered and
therefore less dangerous. Rumors of complete cures have become viral on the
internet, though extreme caution in any attempts to handle Randies is strongly advised. Such reported interventions include:
- Physical
restraint and force-fed looping video, a la A
Clockwork Orange, of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood episodes for a minimum of 48
hours
- Strict
no-brain diet until they are feeling better and their mothers recognize them
again
-
Subjecting them to high levels of pure disgust by holding mirrors up to
their faces
In some, more advanced cases, no recourse is possible
short of complete annihilation. In these tragic cases, drastic measures have been taken. For
example: Telling these creatures that their beliefs are in direct contradiction
to the teachings of the one whom they call their “personal savior” has the
remedial and quite shocking effect of causing the creature’s head to explode, thereby
destroying them completely and everlastingly.
As to the whereabouts of Ms. Rand herself and whether
these measures would work on her is anyone’s guess. It is known for a fact however unless Rand
and her followers/infectees are completely cured and/or destroyed, our very
civilization is at grave risk of annihilation.
Some even speculate that Ayn Rand, in all her megalomaniacal splendor,
is the anti-christ. Or would really really like to be.
~ will
