Ayn Rand is a Zombie

Ayn Rand (pronounced Ann Rann) is a zombie. Contrary to all biographical data, she did not die in 1982, she is still alive – but  she is certainly not well. She stalks and assaults corporate CEOs. She brutally attacks radio talk show hosts, news anchors, and presidential candidates.  She feeds on the brains of unsuspecting middle-class white males who failed high school English, turning them into fellow narcissistic libertarian “undead.” They prey upon other malleable souls who, once infected, start believing in things like Reaganomics, the trickledown theory, Allan Greenspan, and the Tooth Fairy. They try to casually suggest you watch Atlas Shrugged but what they really want is to eat your brain and make you one of them and try to get you to mispronounce Ayn. If you are not even a tiny bit entrepreneurial, they will eat not only your brain but your entire being, your family, and your pets. They will try to abduct your children and make them read The Virtue of Selfishness – widely known to be a gateway drug to becoming a Republican.

Rand zombies, or “Randies,” are growing in number but they move slowly and are extremely uncoordinated. Reports of dropping numbers in Tea Party rally attendance is a reflection more of the latter than the former trait. This lack of coordination and focus can lead an entire group of Randies to spontaneously dissolved at the mere mention of something as innocent as “I wonder what’s on the History channel?” This should not however lead anyone to believe that Randies are not dangerous. Such a false sense of security can have a Randie feeding on your brains as quickly as you can say objectivist epistemology.

There is no proof of how the original infection occurred but theories abound. One popular guess is that it happened as a result of an aneurism Rand had while simultaneously smoking a cigarette,  having sex with Cecil B. DeMille, and quoting Nietzsch on the observation deck of the Empire State Building.

Because the origin of the disease is unknown, treatment, if possible at all, is equally confounding. However, there are cursory reports of some success in dealing with Randies to make them less self-centered and therefore less dangerous. Rumors of complete cures have become viral on the internet, though extreme caution in any attempts to handle Randies is strongly advised.  Such reported interventions include:

-          Physical restraint and force-fed looping video, a la A Clockwork Orange, of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood episodes for a minimum of 48 hours

-          Strict no-brain diet until they are feeling better and their mothers recognize them again

-          Subjecting them to high levels of pure disgust by holding mirrors up to their faces

In some, more advanced cases, no recourse is possible short of complete annihilation. In these tragic  cases, drastic measures have been taken. For example: Telling these creatures that their beliefs are in direct contradiction to the teachings of the one whom they call their “personal savior” has the remedial and quite shocking effect of causing the creature’s head to explode, thereby destroying them completely and everlastingly.

As to the whereabouts of Ms. Rand herself and whether these measures would work on her is anyone’s guess.  It is known for a fact however unless Rand and her followers/infectees are completely cured and/or destroyed, our very civilization is at grave risk of annihilation.  Some even speculate that Ayn Rand, in all her megalomaniacal splendor, is the anti-christ. Or would really really like to be.

~ will